Neologisms to Make You Smile (Shared by Lynne McCarthy)

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are: 

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. (editorial note. Special significance these days)
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle, olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

And some more "Medical Definitions From CARP, Calgary Chapter"
(Shared by Brenda Muirhead)

Artery: the study of paintings
Bacteria: back door to cafeteria
Barium: what doctors do when patients die
Benign: what you be, after you be eight
Caesarean: section a neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan: searching for kitty
Cauterize: made eye contact with her
Colic: a sheep dog
Coma: a punctuation mark
Dilate: to live long
Enema: not a friend
Fester: quicker than someone else
Fibula: a small lie
Impotent: distinguished, well known
Labour pain: getting hurt at work
Medical staff: a doctor’s cane
Morbid: a higher offer
Nitrates: rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than days
Node: I knew it
Outpatient: a person who has fainted
Pelvis: second cousin to Elvis
Post-operative: a letter carrier
Recovery room: place to do upholstery
Rectum: nearly killed him
Secretion: hiding something
Seizure: Roman emperor
Tablet: small table
Terminal illness: getting sick at the airport
Tumour: one plus one more
Urine: opposite of you’re out.