The Rev. Canon Dr. Brett Cane, February 28, 2010
Lent 2: 8:30 a.m. Holy Communion and 10:00 a.m., Holy Communion
Learning to Love #2: “Intimacy”
Exodus 33:7-11; Psalm 27; Luke 13:31-35
Opening Prayer:
Lord Jesus, you yearned to draw your people to yourself; help us now, by your Holy Spirit, to respond to your call to intimacy with you and with one another, that we may find ourselves at home in the house of our heavenly Father. Amen.
Introduction
In our sermons this Lent, we are looking at “Learning to Love” and exploring the many dimensions of love – love between God and ourselves and love between ourselves and others. Last week we looked at having the security of God’s love as the foundation upon which all other love can develop. Today we will be looking at intimacy as a dimension of love.
Why intimacy? Well, one of the things I struggle with and I see others struggling with is the ability to get close to people in a healthy, life-giving way. I see the same struggle in my relationship with God. Last year, when I was on sabbatical, I was able to read and reflect – and yes, experience – the concept of intimacy – especially with God. Not that I now have all the answers and am an expert on intimacy, but I thought it would be good to share with you some of my initial and tentative discoveries to help you as individuals and us a congregation move more fully into God’s intentions for us in this area. We will look first at the nature of intimacy, then developing intimacy with others and finally developing intimacy with God. I must emphasise again that I am no expert – I may have some misconceptions and many of you could share far more profoundly than I on this subject but I feel called to bring before you this vital dimension of God’s design for us – intimacy.
What Is Intimacy?
First, what is intimacy? These days, for many people intimacy has become a synonym for sex. The question “Were you intimate with each other?” has an obvious meaning. But it is possible to have sex without intimacy and part of the pain of modern life is that so many are turning to sex in search of intimacy and are being disappointed. A Christian counsellor has noted that there is a pattern amongst people coming to see him about relational issues. They say, “At first, sex was exciting. Then I started feeling funny about myself, and then I started feeling funny about my partner. We argued and fought and finally we broke up. Now we are enemies.”[1] The elements of genuine love and intimacy cannot be obtained “instantly” and we need to recognize that we are more than just physical beings – there are mental, social, emotional and spiritual dimensions as well and all these must be engaged if we want to develop true intimacy.
Intimacy is defined in the dictionary[2] as the condition or state of being intimate which is marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity and relates to our deepest nature. It speaks of warm friendship, understanding and personal relationship. It is the opposite of loneliness. God tells us in Genesis 2 that “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18) and a companion was made for him. God knows we have a yearning for intimacy, for “belonging,” and that yearning is not to be denied but met in legitimate ways.
Henri Nouwen, in his excellent little book, Lifesigns,[3] expands on this sense of “belonging” and speaks of intimacy using the image of being “at home”:
Home is that place or space where we do not have to be afraid but can let go of our defenses and be free, free from worries, free from tensions, free from pressures. Home is where we can laugh and cry, embrace and dance, sleep long and dream quietly, eat, read, play, watch the fire, listen to music, and be with a friend. Home is where we can rest and be healed. The word “home” gathers a wide range of feelings and emotions up into one image, the image of a house where it is good to be: the house of love.[4]
He points out that we speak of dying as “going home” and reminds us of the positive image of the Prodigal Son’s returning “home” in the embrace of the Father – and we will explore this in a few weeks time. Nouwen then speaks of “homelessness” as evidenced in refugee camps, prisons, mental hospitals, overnight shelters, and so on. Tragic as these situations of homelessness are, the deepest sense of homelessness is the inner anguish of being absent to others – of not belonging anywhere – of loneliness.
Nouwen then speaks of the greatest enemy of intimacy – fear. He points out that “Prisons, mental hospitals, and refugee camps are often built far away from the places where ‘normal’ people live, to keep the fear-evoking strangers at a safe distance.”[5] In Peter Jackson’s superb film, “District 9,” 1.8 million aliens – strange prawn-like beings who have come to earth in a giant spaceship as refugees – are to be moved from their camp – which is really a slum – on the fringes of Johannesburg to a new location at a safe distance – two hours away. The sign outside the old camp says, “Paving the Way to Unity.” There is feigned unity and friendship which hides a deep fear and aversion. Nouwen says that we avoid intimacy with one other because of fear and move ourselves away from others either physically or emotionally to a “safe” distance.
But then he also says that fear of intimacy can also drive us to a “safe” closeness – an unhealthy dependence on others which is not intimacy at all. There is the feigned closeness found in cliques, sects, or club – “places where people huddle together in mutual admiration or common suspicion of the outsider.”[6] Then there is the “bentness” that we spoke of when we looked at Genesis 3 where the curse on the woman is that she will desperately seek security through unhealthy submission to a man – a “safe” closeness. The man, for his part, is cursed with seeking domination over women – putting her under him at a “safe” distance away. The blessing of difference between men and women, given by God, has become twisted as the fear of difference. “Fear makes us move away from each other to a ‘safe’ distance or move us toward each other to a ‘safe’ closeness, but fear does not create a space where true intimacy can exist.”[7]
If fear is the enemy of intimacy – love is the friend of intimacy. Love is not a happy medium (a “fine line”) between aloofness and excessive closeness – it is a way of being in which the tension between being aloof and being bent dissolves “and a new horizon appears.” Jesus says, “Do not be afraid; it is I” (John 6:20). He provides a new space for us where we can move without fear… “Perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). God’s love for us gives us a new security; we are called to belong to him, to “dwell in his home.” “When Jesus says: ‘Make your home in me as I make mine in you,’ (John 15: 4) he offers us an intimate place that we can truly call ‘home.’”[8] We are called to live in the home made by God – in his heart. “It is fashioned for us by God, who came to pitch his tent among us, invite us to his place, and prepare a room for us in his own house.”[9] Being “at home” with God begins to free us to be “at home” with others. We will look at each in reverse order.
Intimacy with Others
During my silent retreat last year at the Anglican Franciscan Monastery at Glasshampton in Worcestershire, I picked up a little book whose title intrigued me: Being Sexual…and Celibate.[10] It is by Keith Clark, a Capuchin monk, and I found his discoveries very helpful in looking at how to develop intimacy with others. I have always felt that being able to have a healthy intimacy is part of maturity and he affirmed that. A mature relationship is:
- Not dependence (child)
- Nor independence (adolescent)
- But interdependence (adult)
In true intimacy, “We do not nurture and sustain ourselves at the expense of the other.”[11] Intimacy is not used to harm or manipulate but provides for mutual self-giving. Intimacy is a “letting go” of the other person where you are safe to be yourself and reveal yourself and not be worried about judgement or critique. Intimacy allows you and the other to have differences and is also a place where you can affirm the gifts of the other.
The “letting go” of the other person is also expressed in what Clark calls the “focus of the moment.” Here, you affirm to the other: “You are the most important person there is,” then after this moment, both of you will carry on independently. In other words, “At this moment there is no other person or preoccupation as important as you and your well-being – but afterwards, other people and concerns will preoccupy us.” This surprised me – but then, I thought of my own relationships which follow this pattern. Engaging with another in a manner that clings and possesses even when absent from one another is unhealthy. Engaging with another at a deep level and then letting them be free to continue their lives without any control by me is healthy and liberating.
What I found very helpful was Clark’s affirmation that the key to healthy relationships is admitting one’s own loneliness and the need for intimacy. We have no better example of this than Jesus himself. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he did not hide his feelings of loneliness and need for intimacy: “Jesus took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’” (Matthew 26:37-38). We are to look for symptoms of loneliness such as dissatisfaction with being alone or with being in a group and feeling disconnected as well as seeming failure, stress, and fatigue and also resentment.
When we don’t admit our need for intimacy, then we engage in unhealthy responses. One is avoidance. We submerge ourselves in activities and projects and being useful to others. But this will lead to further isolation: “I am the only one contributing;” or a looking down on others: “They are doing an inferior job;” or putting them on a pedestal: “They are doing better than me.” Such thoughts are a clue that you are feeling isolated from almost everyone because you have ignored or denied your own sense of aloneness, separateness, incompleteness and neediness.[12] Another response is resentment. “I haven’t been recognized or appreciated by my…parents, teachers, employers, etc.” This is a deeper signal of your denial of your genuine need. “Resentment is a defence against dealing with loneliness at a deeper level, just as avoidance is at the surface level.”[13]
A healthy response is to admit you are lonely, to acknowledge your disconnectedness. If you are not ready to “explore its depths” just then, then a temporary solution is distraction (not avoidance) such as playing cards, listening to music, calling friends, etc. but you need to admit, “I am lonely.” If you are ready to enter its depths, then try a time of “reflective solitude” to do the following:
- Acknowledge and face the mechanisms you have been using to try and deal with loneliness such as seeking approval of others, and over-performing.
- Realize God has accepted you in all your neediness: “God has known me all along – in my shallowness, fragility and embarrassment.”
- Admit that you have made an idol of loneliness and disconnectedness. An idol is an end when it is supposed to be a means. Your disconnectedness and incompleteness is meant to lead you to intimacy with others. Your recognition of the depth of your neediness in a moment of profound loneliness will allow you to let go of those for whom you care, because you don’t want to use them for your own need-fulfilment in an unhealthy way.[14]
- This results in a new freedom for yourself: “Now I am free to choose to care for others because they need care, not just because I need to care for them. This leaves others free to reject or accept the care I offer.”[15] “Having unmasked my idol, I am less tempted to refashion others into my own image of who they should be and I am less demanding that they respond to me as I anticipate and desire.”[16] Acknowledging your own neediness and knowing your own fragility, you can reach out to others who are needy and fragile – you are free to choose behaviours which allow intimacy to arise.[17]
This is the healthy approach to intimacy with others.
Intimacy with God
We will close with looking at developing our intimacy with God which will be a brief expansion of what we have discussed in our two previous sermons where we spoke of immersing ourselves in Scripture, prayer and fellowship and obedient service as ways of developing our friendship with God. Friendship with God is at the heart of the Bible. Abraham is spoken of as a “friend of God.” We read in James, “The scripture was fulfilled that says, ‘Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,’ and he was called God’s friend” (James 2:23).[18] We heard earlier from Exodus 33 the story of the “Tent of meeting” where people could commune with God: “Anyone inquiring of the Lord would go to the tent of meeting outside the camp” (verse 7). There we read that “the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend” (verse 11). The term “friend” is somewhat intimate and conveys a sense of closeness, trust, and sharing. In today’s gospel reading, we heard of Jesus’ desire to draw us close to him, “”Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing” (Luke 13:34). God calls us his friends and desires intimacy with us. But how is this to be done?
To me, at first sight intimacy with God looks more difficult to achieve than intimacy with other people. That may be because I am a male. Men approach intimacy by “doing,” women by “being.” Men develop relationships with other men by doing things together. Women develop relationships by taking together. I know this is a generalization, but I think it is a helpful one. When David says, “One thing I ask from the Lord…that I may gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple” (Psalm 27:4) it probably resonates more with women than with men – especially if you have a British background or are more “macho”! But David was definitely a man of action and yet he was able to balance that with an attitude of contemplation. David speaks of yearning to be “at home” with the Lord – “This is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life” (Psalm 27:4). David is a good example to follow and I have found that using the psalms is a great way in to developing intimacy with God. The psalms are full of expressions of healthy intimacy – they are truthful and honest, expressive of anger and joy, disappointment and yearning. I often wondered why monks and nuns had the discipline of saying the Psalter through over and over again (our old prayer book has a rota for reading all the psalms monthly) and why the great saints, protestant and catholic, have so valued the psalms – well now I know why having following this pattern for the past decade. The psalms help in developing an attitude of reflection and intimacy with God.
There is a spirituality which reflects the psalms more closely than the mainstream European approach to Christianity and that is part of our own heritage in Manitoba – the Celtic. Celtic spirituality is more intimate and earthy in its approach to God and I have found the style of prayer refreshing and engaging; it is less analytical and more intuitive – while at the same time intensely Trinitarian and orderly. I commend it to you as an example of a way forward in developing our intimacy with God. I close with a night prayer from the Northumbria Community’s prayer book:
I will lie down this night with God,
and God will lie down with me;
I will lie down this night with Christ,
and Christ will lie down with me;
I will lie down this night with the Spirit,
and the Spirit will lie down with me;
God and Christ and the Spirit,
be lying down with me. [19]
[1] Henry Brandt, Christian Challenge Magazine, quoted by Dick Purnell in “Sex and the Search for Intimacy” found on http://www.everystudent.com/features/search.html
[2] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary
[3] Henri Nouwen, Lifesigns. (New York: Image Books, Doubleday, 2003).
[4] Nouwen, pg. 15.
[5] Nouwen, pg. 19.
[6] Nouwen, pg. 19.
[7] Nouwen, pg. 17.
[8] Nouwen, pg. 15.
[9] Nouwen, pg. 25.
[10] Keith Clark, Being Sexual…and Celibate. (Notre Dame, Indiana: Ave Maria Press, 1986)
[11] Clark, pg. 40.
[12] Clark, pg. 51.
[13] Clark, pg. 57.
[14] Clark, pgs. 59-60.
[15] Clark, pg. 60.
[16] Clark, pg. 60.
[17] Clark, pg. 61.
[18] See also Isaiah 41:8 and 2 Chronicles 20:7
[19] The Northumbria Community, Celtic Daily Prayer. (London: Collins, 2005)
